1. “Other species don’t drink milk past infancy”
I love when I see the argument that it’s ‘weird’ we drink
milk because we’re the only species that does this in adolescence and adulthood.
Maybe our bodies really aren’t good at digesting milk. Maybe we should stop
drinking it. But to say that the reason is because we’re ‘the only animals’
that do this makes it weird? C’mon. Is it weird that I put makeup on just
because your shih tzu doesn’t? Should I stop reading books because giraffes
aren’t perusing literary works in their
free time? Do I need to end my relationship with Netflix since no other land
animal is paying an internet bill and purchasing electronics? Let’s think that
argument all the way through.
2. “Q-tips are bad for you”
I know you probably already know where I stand on this
issue, but I feel like it can never be said enough. There is a special
relationship between my ear canals and those soft white devils that a doctor
and his wisdom will never come between. Using a q-tip after a hot shower allows
my ears and soul to obtain a level of bliss that is only dreamt of by lesser
mortals. “Q-tips are like small penises for my ears.” – J. Beans
3. “Swearing is unladylike”
Look, I get it. Constant swearing comes across as uneducated,
unnecessary, and uncouth. Repetitive cursing not only lacks imagination but is
dull and potentially devoid of linguistic beauty that allows you to express
precisely what you want to convey. Blah blah blah. And then sometimes a
four-letter word is the only tool you need to drive home the point. Sue a girl.
4. Same tax brackets for fat people
The more I think about this, the more I decide it just makes
sense. There are all sorts of ways that thinner people are benefiting
financially (as well as socially, obviously) from their size. The smaller you
are the smaller your clothes are; therefore, you’re able to fit more clothes in
a load of laundry which leads to long-term less money spent on detergent. The
less you eat, the less money you’re spending on food, which means more money
you have to spend on trips to Hawaii. And according to all the research about overweight
lifestyles being linked with life-shortening illnesses, you’re probably going
to have more time to enjoy Hawaii if you’re thin. So what I’m thinking is Uncle
Sam should do me a solid and give me a tax break with which I can afford to go
on vacation before my impending heart attack.
5. Raisins in cookies
I don’t feel like I should have to explain why this concept
is an abomination to mankind, but I know that somewhere out there is a poor
misguided soul who believes that raisins are a complimentary food, or that this
topic is somehow ‘opinion’ instead of fact. That’s cute. But no. Raisins are
like that lady that owns 15 cats: wonderful on her own but you’d never put her
in a cookie.
6. The color orange
No rhyme or reason here. Just not a fan. I look at it, and I know deep down in my soul that it's the literal garbage of the color wheel.
7. Hypochondriasis stigma
Nothing makes an anxious person feel less calm and reassured
than when their life-threatening, self-diagnosed illness is immediately
dismissed by close family and friends just because it’s the third one that
month. Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that my ‘brain tumor’ was hilarious just
because the only evidence I have of its existence is a localized headache that’s
been throbbing for twenty minutes. I wasn’t aware you suddenly possessed x-ray
vision and know for certain I don’t have metastatic cancer (stage 4,
nonetheless) even though my hair’s falling out so (obvi) I’m dying. You’re
laughing at a terminally ill person but I’M the one who has problems? Get on my
level.
8. “Horses are pretty”
Who do you think you’re fooling here? They’re the ugly
cousin of the animal family but the one who’s got such a sweet spirit you keep
rooting for them anyway. Unicorns are like the ugly cousin’s older sibling who
simultaneously looks nothing alike and exactly the same in a way that makes
everyone feel confused and sad for the horse.
9. Noises
Tapping your fingers. Clicking your pen. Eating a banana.
Breathing loudly in a quiet room. Whispering when someone else is talking.
Singing in public when you’re not in a play. Anyone under the age of 10 crying.
Loud movies when you’re trying to sleep. Any sports ball being bounced inside. Chomping
your gum. Swallowing saliva. I could go on for days...
Misophonia. It’s real, kids.
10. Ridiculously spelled names
If you have decided it’s ‘adorable’ that you took your child’s
(possibly normal) name and replaced it with ludicrous vowel/consonant combos, I
want to punch you in the throat. The way some parents have allowed their
children’s names to be spelled is borderline child abuse. Honestly, I think
that somehow an entire generation decided that letters have feelings and should
never go anywhere without a little moral support from their friends. “Well, we
love the name ‘Zac’, but I’d hate for those three little letters to feel
lonely, so we best throw a few more on there. Probably an h, another c for good
measure, and an e at the end. Just for aesthetics, really.” Like if they name
their kid Zacche, someone’s going to show up at their house with an award for “CuTeSt
NaMe” and win Pinterest.
P.S. If you’ve put a symbol or an apostrophe in your child’s
name, pour yourself a tall glass of cyanide. Bottoms up.
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