I feel like we’ve all heard it, or perhaps even said it
ourselves. “Did you read the comments?” followed by an eye roll or exasperated
sigh, which inevitably leads to a discussion of how horribly people speak to
each other over social media. Who hasn’t seen an article or a post from a
friend on a topic where the comment section runs away in one of the threads? Sometimes
rooted in fact, sometimes drenched in unadulterated opinion. If I see a comment
has more than four replies, more than likely things have gotten spicy,
especially if the topic was a hot-ticket item to begin with. Ironically, some
of the people I see or hear talk the most about “other” people being the
problem are frequently the ones entering discussions with guns blazing. Most of
the time I prefer not to get involved as it makes me unbelievably anxious to have
people upset with me. However, 2020 is turning out to be a (I think this is the
technical term) “real bag of dicks”, which is enhancing the less appealing aspects
of social media. And rather than give up hope on the idea of Civil Dialogue, I
want to help be part of the change I want to see. Step 1: share opinions.
*GULP*
I
think the very first thing we have to acknowledge is that there are a LOT more
people in the middle ground than are vocal on social media. To be clear, I don’t
mean that people are neutral or somehow politically in the middle. I mean that
if we were to imagine opinions and the way you engage in dialogue as a spectrum
that people slide along rather than concrete sides, such as Left vs. Right or Democrat
vs. Republican, I think you would find that most people are toward the center,
not the extremes, and are willing to engage in civil conversation without name
calling or attempting to pigeon-hole everyone into an assumed opinion box. If
you think in terms of absolutes such as ‘conservative or liberal’, ‘racist or
antiracist’, or even (as is often the observed case) ‘wrong or right’, you are
not allowing for the very real nuances that make up opinions, people, and real
life.
I
can already sense the pushback, “But some people ARE wrong!” Obviously, sweetums.
We do, after all, live in a world with Flat Earthers, bless their hearts. So
let’s go with that for a minute. Let’s say that you see someone comment something
that facts dispute (“facts” = not quotes from your favorite news anchor on CNN
or Fox). What should you do? Do you call them out? I see a lot of talk right
now about ‘calling people out’. What does that mean though? That you tell them
they’re a huge piece of shit? That they’re stupid for thinking that? Or does it
mean that you present facts and, without bias, show where the flaws are in the
statement they made. I mean, maybe it’s just me, but I would feel very
differently if you commented on something I posted and said, “The problem with
that statement is….” rather than, “Listen up, trash panda. If you weren’t liberal/a
Republican/promiscuous, you’d see that it’s murder/you’re
racist/wrong.”
Another
thing I see frequently is, “If you think _________, then fuck off/immediately
unfriend me.” I disagree strongly with both of those statements. For starters,
what then? The world’s magically better? That person disappears? They still
live in this country, they still live in our communities, and they are still
(most likely) registered voters who have a say in our society. If you want
things to be different, then we need each other. Do you just want to be heard? Make
sure everyone knows how you feel? Or are you really, genuinely trying
change their mind? To be clear, there are definitely those whose mind is NOT
going to change and they are hurtful in what they say. If you need to unfriend or
unfollow them for your own mental health, I absolutely understand. But those
extreme unchangeable minds are more like 10-20% on either end of the spectrum.
When you tell someone in the extremes to unfriend you for having a different
opinion, what you really do is shut down conversation and questions from
everyone else in the middle who sees you post that. Same thing when it comes to
name calling. I’ve had questions before and wanted to get in on conversations,
but the way even some of my friends and family talk to people on their posts (or
in person, unfortunately) has intimidated me to the point I stay silent. I also
want to point out that some of the people I see do this the most are the same
ones posting stuff about “It’s ok to change your mind when presented new
information, it’s called growing.” Well why the hell would they think it’s ok
to do that when you told them they were stupid and to unfriend you? I’ve got
whiplash from watching all the mixed messages fly by.
If
you’ve made it this far, you may be thinking this sounds like I’m on an
incredible high horse that I ride around to change people’s minds. Bless you,
but no. I say this because I have changed my mind on things, important things,
throughout my life; I’ve been the person on the other side of the argument who was
misinformed on the topic. I may not have continued to engage in those
conversations and read the material presented to me if people came at me in a
hostile way or made me feel stupid for not immediately being enlightened. Was
it someone else’s job to hold my hand or educate me? Absolutely NOT! Did it
help though that people presented facts about the topic rather than opinions
about me? No doubt about it. There’s also a 50/50 chance inception is real and has
been used on me. Conversation 1: was not ready to hear, but the seed was
planted. Conversations 2- present: learned a little more each time, refined
opinion based on new information. (Conversation 150: jumps out window
because top is still spinning.)
If
we want social media to be a place where things can be discussed civilly, then
we need to agree on how we talk about things, not which opinions are
correct. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m right, but I think the following would help
go a long way:
1. Lose the mindset ‘this is going to be ugly’ simply
because it’s difficult. This is something I am working on myself, as
too often I see a post I want to comment on but don’t because I assume it will
be a train wreck. Why though? Why does it HAVE to be ugly? It takes two to
tango, so to speak, and am I incapable of phrasing things in a respectful way? There
have been a few times lately where I’ve changed my thinking from “this will be
ugly” to “this feels uncomfortable, but doable” and it’s made a helpful
difference.
2.
Would you say it in real life? I feel
like everyone sees examples of this, no matter what their timeline looks like. A
tragic accident, a misfortune, etc. where a stranger felt the need to throw in
their two cents and flame someone just because they could. If you wouldn’t say
it to someone’s face, then you probably don’t need to throw it out on the
internet. But also, a necessary follow up question is, are you an asshole in
real life? Because if you are, you probably need to just sit this one out too.
I know people that are unbelievably kind in real life but their internet
persona is the troll under the bridge. Don’t be this person.
3.
Set norms and expectations – then hold to
them! If you are posting something potentially spicy (we all know our own
social media friends and followers, you know if something is going to stir up your
crowd), feel free to set norms or expectations of dialogue in the beginning and
delete comments that don’t meet that criteria (whether against your
opinion OR for) with a reminder of the expectations. I saw an incredible
example of this done the other day. A Facebook friend deleted someone’s comment
but immediately commented and let him know she deleted the comment as she
carefully vets her information sources and what he’d shared had been proven to
be false. She handled it very tactfully and respectfully, and what was great is
that he came back and engaged in a very civil dialogue with her for multiple
comments afterward. She established a norm, was very respectful in holding her commenters
to that norm, and it allowed for productive dialogue. One thing I see from time
to time is that people will delete harsh comments from those on the other side
of the argument, but not those supporting their side. Unbiased norms and consistent
enforcing of those norms may not stop the more extreme commentators but it may
help others feel safe in engaging in your posts.
4.
No one brings a knife to a gun fight.
Ok, I know that’s not how the saying actually goes, but my point is, if I come
out guns blazing, then others are going to also come out guns blazing, they won’t
try anything less. If I make a post or a comment that comes across very aggressive,
I’m probably going to get more of the same from anyone who engages with me. I
have seen multiple conversations online in the past month alone where the person
who made the original post took a very confrontational tone, did not appear to
try to hear what others said if they disagreed, and then was genuinely confused
when someone got upset or thought they were mad. If we can’t look at our own
behavior, why are we trying to “call out” others?
I don’t know that this is the answer or that it will solve
any problems but I certainly hope it provides a starting point. Because God knows I am emotionally
exhausted from watching passionate, kind people tear each other apart on social
media. Maybe this will be something I change my mind on, maybe more
conversations will help refine my opinion a little bit. Or maybe I’ll end up in
a cabin in the woods with no wi-fi, living my best life. It’s sixes, really.
