Maybe I've been misunderstanding other brides' feelings about their wedding day up until now, but it seems like it's a lot more about them and how beautiful everything is than it is about what's-his-bucket being The One. The marriage? Yeah, that's about what's-his-bucket. The wedding day? Not so much. After all, why do shows like 'Say Yes to the Dress' exist if it's not about the gown?
At any rate, I feel like I am still deserving of a day where I invite everyone I know to a fancy location to watch me parade around in the most beautiful dress they've ever laid eyes on. I want to walk slowly past family and friends, who are *literally* sobbing into their handkerchiefs over the level of preciousness my dress and I are attaining, and stand in front of them on a rotating stage while someone takes photos/videotapes. While eating some catered food, I want family and friends to give toasts to me that contain a healthy balance of wishes of well-being for my future and humorous anecdotes about their memories of me. Is this too much to ask? Probably I don't think so.
I think this idea really begins to take shape if the name of the event is changed from 'My Non-Wedding Wedding Day' to 'Jill's 30th Birthday Party'. This gives everyone plenty of prep time for their toasts and allows me a year and three months to prepare for my death 30th birthday.
Additionally, I feel like this party/event/tasteful circus will hit two birds with one stone. Not only will I hit the 'Wedding Day' bird square in the kisser, but that sneaky '30th Birthday, congratulations you're practically dead, here's a cane and an AARP brochure' bastard of a bird will never see it coming. To ease me into my fourth decade here on Earth (Jesus, fourth decade...I just threw up in my mouth a little), I really feel like family, close friends, and a couple hundred acquaintances that are just there for the eclairs and atmosphere could bring this dream to fruition. Plus, it will be less weird when I hang an 11"x 14" classy portrait of myself in my home if it was from a Tribute/Living Funeral birthday party.
You have 15 months to prepare. I expect gifts and a toast from every individual nothing but your warm smiles on that day.
Editor's Note: I realize the amount of self-absorption in my life this article is unsettling a trifle much, however, I took a personality test years ago, and my psychologist said he was honestly surprised the Narcissism measure didn't score higher with me and I'm actually no more self-involved than the next girl. Rest easy.