“It gets better.”
For some reason this phrase has been on my mind lately. Nothing extraordinary has happened. I haven’t slain any personal dragons, nor have any huge milestones been reached. Quite the opposite, actually. And yet…while completing mundane tasks over the past week, I find myself feeling grateful. Happy, even. And I find myself returning to this phrase.
If you have ever struggled in your life with mental health or dabbled on any sites that promote open conversation about personal journeys, you have probably seen the phrase “it gets better”. Often used as a message to your younger self, I’ve heard it many times and even said it myself as an optimistic sentiment to a past version of me. But what does it mean, “it gets better”?
When I was younger or when I read the phrase from others, I interpreted it as “the struggle lessens”. You feel happy. You're no longer dark and twisty. You magically become this being who doesn’t struggle. But cleaning my kitchen tonight, in my condo that feels one mishap away from complete destruction, I felt like it took on a new meaning. I started composing a new letter to my younger self, starting with that same phrase.
“It gets better”.
You don’t magically become a new person, one who never knows dark-and-twisty thoughts. This is what I THOUGHT the phrase “it gets better” always meant. That I’d go through some fabulous metamorphosis as an unlovable caterpillar who can’t get their shit together and somehow end up as this beautiful butterfly who had “come out the other side” of Struggle. But that isn’t what happens. You struggle from time to time. You occasionally have to remind yourself that cutting is for art projects and hair, not your body. Sometimes there will be no obvious cause of sadness and yet you’ll find your brain telling you to impulsively end your story. Winter doesn’t stop being an emotional cold bowl of soup either; you feel sad, you feel anxious, you count down the days and minutes until Daylight Savings Time begins again.
But you DO become someone who realizes the dark-and-twisty moments and part of you do NOT define you. You aren’t “less than” or a science project gone wrong for having these thoughts. Instead, when these thoughts come to you, you’ll start to understand they are happening TO you and are separate FROM you. YOU, as a core person, are not defined by your mental health struggles.
“It gets better”.
You don’t reach a point where people always understand you or your intentions or emotions, or even what you meant when you said “that one thing that one time…” You will not only continue to NEED to advocate for yourself, but you will reach a place where this is comfortable and you see the necessity (and advantages!) of being assertively open. You reach a point where this stops feeling like “defending yourself” and transforms into “loving yourself”. Helping others understand you and people like you becomes transformative and healing. Finally, it makes you a better teacher, someone who walks the walk, so to speak, and not just talks the talk. Teaching five- to eight-year olds with social/emotional skill deficits to “use their words” feels like a REAL skill when I do it too as a Grown Up.
“It gets better”.
You don’t stop crying easily. I’m sorry, but you just don’t. I wish I could tell you that you reach a place where misunderstandings and negative reactions stop triggering your tear ducts. I’d love to tell you that you become one of those people who feign shock when picturing another crying (WhAt DoEs It EvEn LoOk LiKe WhEn ThEy CrY?!”) But that isn’t your journey. You will still cry when your feelings are hurt. You will cry when you’re angry, and frustrated, and happy, and all the other intense emotions. Because you FEEL everything. EVERYTHING. Sometimes it feels like it’s the worst, but you will reach a place where you feel like it’s not a curse. It actually helps you significantly. Your ability to talk with someone and hear their story and FEEL it like it was you, gives you an advantage. You reach people and connect with people and truly empathize with them. It makes you a great teacher for the students you teach. When people feel heard and seen, they feel validated and cared for. Anything meaningful between two people, no matter the relationship, started with feeling “seen” and “cared for”.
I can’t tell you, younger self, that no hard times lie ahead. I can’t tell you that you won’t struggle and feel sad and wish you had a different set of emotional skills. BUT…I can tell you one thing: it gets better.
