It Gets Better

 “It gets better.”

For some reason this phrase has been on my mind lately. Nothing extraordinary has happened. I haven’t slain any personal dragons, nor have any huge milestones been reached. Quite the opposite, actually. And yet…while completing mundane tasks over the past week, I find myself feeling grateful. Happy, even. And I find myself returning to this phrase. 

If you have ever struggled in your life with mental health or dabbled on any sites that promote open conversation about personal journeys, you have probably seen the phrase “it gets better”. Often used as a message to your younger self, I’ve heard it many times and even said it myself as an optimistic sentiment to a past version of me. But what does it mean, “it gets better”?

When I was younger or when I read the phrase from others, I interpreted it as “the struggle lessens”. You feel happy. You're no longer dark and twisty. You magically become this being who doesn’t struggle. But cleaning my kitchen tonight, in my condo that feels one mishap away from complete destruction, I felt like it took on a new meaning. I started composing a new letter to my younger self, starting with that same phrase. 

“It gets better”. 

You don’t magically become a new person, one who never knows dark-and-twisty thoughts. This is what I THOUGHT the phrase “it gets better” always meant. That I’d go through some fabulous metamorphosis as an unlovable caterpillar who can’t get their shit together and somehow end up as this beautiful butterfly who had “come out the other side” of Struggle. But that isn’t what happens. You struggle from time to time. You occasionally have to remind yourself that cutting is for art projects and hair, not your body. Sometimes there will be no obvious cause of sadness and yet you’ll find your brain telling you to impulsively end your story. Winter doesn’t stop being an emotional cold bowl of soup either; you feel sad, you feel anxious, you count down the days and minutes until Daylight Savings Time begins again. 

But you DO become someone who realizes the dark-and-twisty moments and part of you do NOT define you. You aren’t “less than” or a science project gone wrong for having these thoughts. Instead, when these thoughts come to you, you’ll start to understand they are happening TO you and are separate FROM you. YOU, as a core person, are not defined by your mental health struggles. 

“It gets better”. 

You don’t reach a point where people always understand you or your intentions or emotions, or even what you meant when you said “that one thing that one time…” You will not only continue to NEED to advocate for yourself, but you will reach a place where this is comfortable and you see the necessity (and advantages!) of being assertively open. You reach a point where this stops feeling like “defending yourself” and transforms into “loving yourself”. Helping others understand you and people like you becomes transformative and healing. Finally, it makes you a better teacher, someone who walks the walk, so to speak, and not just talks the talk. Teaching five- to eight-year olds with social/emotional skill deficits to “use their words” feels like a REAL skill when I do it too as a Grown Up. 

“It gets better”. 

You don’t stop crying easily. I’m sorry, but you just don’t. I wish I could tell you that you reach a place where misunderstandings and negative reactions stop triggering your tear ducts. I’d love to tell you that you become one of those people who feign shock when picturing another crying (WhAt DoEs It EvEn LoOk LiKe WhEn ThEy CrY?!”) But that isn’t your journey. You will still cry when your feelings are hurt. You will cry when you’re angry, and frustrated, and happy, and all the other intense emotions. Because you FEEL everything. EVERYTHING. Sometimes it feels like it’s the worst, but you will reach a place where you feel like it’s not a curse. It actually helps you significantly. Your ability to talk with someone and hear their story and FEEL it like it was you, gives you an advantage. You reach people and connect with people and truly empathize with them. It makes you a great teacher for the students you teach. When people feel heard and seen, they feel validated and cared for. Anything meaningful between two people, no matter the relationship, started with feeling “seen” and “cared for”. 

I can’t tell you, younger self, that no hard times lie ahead. I can’t tell you that you won’t struggle and feel sad and wish you had a different set of emotional skills. BUT…I can tell you one thing: it gets better.

Meet Me in the Middle

I feel like we’ve all heard it, or perhaps even said it ourselves. “Did you read the comments?” followed by an eye roll or exasperated sigh, which inevitably leads to a discussion of how horribly people speak to each other over social media. Who hasn’t seen an article or a post from a friend on a topic where the comment section runs away in one of the threads? Sometimes rooted in fact, sometimes drenched in unadulterated opinion. If I see a comment has more than four replies, more than likely things have gotten spicy, especially if the topic was a hot-ticket item to begin with. Ironically, some of the people I see or hear talk the most about “other” people being the problem are frequently the ones entering discussions with guns blazing. Most of the time I prefer not to get involved as it makes me unbelievably anxious to have people upset with me. However, 2020 is turning out to be a (I think this is the technical term) “real bag of dicks”, which is enhancing the less appealing aspects of social media. And rather than give up hope on the idea of Civil Dialogue, I want to help be part of the change I want to see. Step 1: share opinions. *GULP*

I think the very first thing we have to acknowledge is that there are a LOT more people in the middle ground than are vocal on social media. To be clear, I don’t mean that people are neutral or somehow politically in the middle. I mean that if we were to imagine opinions and the way you engage in dialogue as a spectrum that people slide along rather than concrete sides, such as Left vs. Right or Democrat vs. Republican, I think you would find that most people are toward the center, not the extremes, and are willing to engage in civil conversation without name calling or attempting to pigeon-hole everyone into an assumed opinion box. If you think in terms of absolutes such as ‘conservative or liberal’, ‘racist or antiracist’, or even (as is often the observed case) ‘wrong or right’, you are not allowing for the very real nuances that make up opinions, people, and real life.

I can already sense the pushback, “But some people ARE wrong!” Obviously, sweetums. We do, after all, live in a world with Flat Earthers, bless their hearts. So let’s go with that for a minute. Let’s say that you see someone comment something that facts dispute (“facts” = not quotes from your favorite news anchor on CNN or Fox). What should you do? Do you call them out? I see a lot of talk right now about ‘calling people out’. What does that mean though? That you tell them they’re a huge piece of shit? That they’re stupid for thinking that? Or does it mean that you present facts and, without bias, show where the flaws are in the statement they made. I mean, maybe it’s just me, but I would feel very differently if you commented on something I posted and said, “The problem with that statement is….” rather than, “Listen up, trash panda. If you weren’t liberal/a Republican/promiscuous, you’d see that it’s murder/you’re racist/wrong.”

Another thing I see frequently is, “If you think ­_________, then fuck off/immediately unfriend me.” I disagree strongly with both of those statements. For starters, what then? The world’s magically better? That person disappears? They still live in this country, they still live in our communities, and they are still (most likely) registered voters who have a say in our society. If you want things to be different, then we need each other. Do you just want to be heard? Make sure everyone knows how you feel? Or are you really, genuinely trying change their mind? To be clear, there are definitely those whose mind is NOT going to change and they are hurtful in what they say. If you need to unfriend or unfollow them for your own mental health, I absolutely understand. But those extreme unchangeable minds are more like 10-20% on either end of the spectrum. When you tell someone in the extremes to unfriend you for having a different opinion, what you really do is shut down conversation and questions from everyone else in the middle who sees you post that. Same thing when it comes to name calling. I’ve had questions before and wanted to get in on conversations, but the way even some of my friends and family talk to people on their posts (or in person, unfortunately) has intimidated me to the point I stay silent. I also want to point out that some of the people I see do this the most are the same ones posting stuff about “It’s ok to change your mind when presented new information, it’s called growing.” Well why the hell would they think it’s ok to do that when you told them they were stupid and to unfriend you? I’ve got whiplash from watching all the mixed messages fly by.

If you’ve made it this far, you may be thinking this sounds like I’m on an incredible high horse that I ride around to change people’s minds. Bless you, but no. I say this because I have changed my mind on things, important things, throughout my life; I’ve been the person on the other side of the argument who was misinformed on the topic. I may not have continued to engage in those conversations and read the material presented to me if people came at me in a hostile way or made me feel stupid for not immediately being enlightened. Was it someone else’s job to hold my hand or educate me? Absolutely NOT! Did it help though that people presented facts about the topic rather than opinions about me? No doubt about it. There’s also a 50/50 chance inception is real and has been used on me. Conversation 1: was not ready to hear, but the seed was planted. Conversations 2- present: learned a little more each time, refined opinion based on new information. (Conversation 150: jumps out window because top is still spinning.)

If we want social media to be a place where things can be discussed civilly, then we need to agree on how we talk about things, not which opinions are correct. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m right, but I think the following would help go a long way:

1.     Lose the mindset ‘this is going to be ugly’ simply because it’s difficult. This is something I am working on myself, as too often I see a post I want to comment on but don’t because I assume it will be a train wreck. Why though? Why does it HAVE to be ugly? It takes two to tango, so to speak, and am I incapable of phrasing things in a respectful way? There have been a few times lately where I’ve changed my thinking from “this will be ugly” to “this feels uncomfortable, but doable” and it’s made a helpful difference.

2.       Would you say it in real life? I feel like everyone sees examples of this, no matter what their timeline looks like. A tragic accident, a misfortune, etc. where a stranger felt the need to throw in their two cents and flame someone just because they could. If you wouldn’t say it to someone’s face, then you probably don’t need to throw it out on the internet. But also, a necessary follow up question is, are you an asshole in real life? Because if you are, you probably need to just sit this one out too. I know people that are unbelievably kind in real life but their internet persona is the troll under the bridge. Don’t be this person.

3.       Set norms and expectations – then hold to them! If you are posting something potentially spicy (we all know our own social media friends and followers, you know if something is going to stir up your crowd), feel free to set norms or expectations of dialogue in the beginning and delete comments that don’t meet that criteria (whether against your opinion OR for) with a reminder of the expectations. I saw an incredible example of this done the other day. A Facebook friend deleted someone’s comment but immediately commented and let him know she deleted the comment as she carefully vets her information sources and what he’d shared had been proven to be false. She handled it very tactfully and respectfully, and what was great is that he came back and engaged in a very civil dialogue with her for multiple comments afterward. She established a norm, was very respectful in holding her commenters to that norm, and it allowed for productive dialogue. One thing I see from time to time is that people will delete harsh comments from those on the other side of the argument, but not those supporting their side. Unbiased norms and consistent enforcing of those norms may not stop the more extreme commentators but it may help others feel safe in engaging in your posts.

4.       No one brings a knife to a gun fight. Ok, I know that’s not how the saying actually goes, but my point is, if I come out guns blazing, then others are going to also come out guns blazing, they won’t try anything less. If I make a post or a comment that comes across very aggressive, I’m probably going to get more of the same from anyone who engages with me. I have seen multiple conversations online in the past month alone where the person who made the original post took a very confrontational tone, did not appear to try to hear what others said if they disagreed, and then was genuinely confused when someone got upset or thought they were mad. If we can’t look at our own behavior, why are we trying to “call out” others?

I don’t know that this is the answer or that it will solve any problems but I certainly hope it provides a starting point. Because God knows I am emotionally exhausted from watching passionate, kind people tear each other apart on social media. Maybe this will be something I change my mind on, maybe more conversations will help refine my opinion a little bit. Or maybe I’ll end up in a cabin in the woods with no wi-fi, living my best life. It’s sixes, really.

Things I'm Not a Fan Of

1. “Other species don’t drink milk past infancy”

I love when I see the argument that it’s ‘weird’ we drink milk because we’re the only species that does this in adolescence and adulthood. Maybe our bodies really aren’t good at digesting milk. Maybe we should stop drinking it. But to say that the reason is because we’re ‘the only animals’ that do this makes it weird? C’mon. Is it weird that I put makeup on just because your shih tzu doesn’t? Should I stop reading books because giraffes aren’t perusing literary works in their free time? Do I need to end my relationship with Netflix since no other land animal is paying an internet bill and purchasing electronics? Let’s think that argument all the way through.

2. “Q-tips are bad for you”

I know you probably already know where I stand on this issue, but I feel like it can never be said enough. There is a special relationship between my ear canals and those soft white devils that a doctor and his wisdom will never come between. Using a q-tip after a hot shower allows my ears and soul to obtain a level of bliss that is only dreamt of by lesser mortals. “Q-tips are like small penises for my ears.” – J. Beans

3. “Swearing is unladylike”

Look, I get it. Constant swearing comes across as uneducated, unnecessary, and uncouth. Repetitive cursing not only lacks imagination but is dull and potentially devoid of linguistic beauty that allows you to express precisely what you want to convey. Blah blah blah. And then sometimes a four-letter word is the only tool you need to drive home the point. Sue a girl.

4. Same tax brackets for fat people

The more I think about this, the more I decide it just makes sense. There are all sorts of ways that thinner people are benefiting financially (as well as socially, obviously) from their size. The smaller you are the smaller your clothes are; therefore, you’re able to fit more clothes in a load of laundry which leads to long-term less money spent on detergent. The less you eat, the less money you’re spending on food, which means more money you have to spend on trips to Hawaii. And according to all the research about overweight lifestyles being linked with life-shortening illnesses, you’re probably going to have more time to enjoy Hawaii if you’re thin. So what I’m thinking is Uncle Sam should do me a solid and give me a tax break with which I can afford to go on vacation before my impending heart attack.

5. Raisins in cookies

I don’t feel like I should have to explain why this concept is an abomination to mankind, but I know that somewhere out there is a poor misguided soul who believes that raisins are a complimentary food, or that this topic is somehow ‘opinion’ instead of fact. That’s cute. But no. Raisins are like that lady that owns 15 cats: wonderful on her own but you’d never put her in a cookie.

6. The color orange

No rhyme or reason here. Just not a fan. I look at it, and I know deep down in my soul that it's the literal garbage of the color wheel.

7. Hypochondriasis stigma

Nothing makes an anxious person feel less calm and reassured than when their life-threatening, self-diagnosed illness is immediately dismissed by close family and friends just because it’s the third one that month. Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that my ‘brain tumor’ was hilarious just because the only evidence I have of its existence is a localized headache that’s been throbbing for twenty minutes. I wasn’t aware you suddenly possessed x-ray vision and know for certain I don’t have metastatic cancer (stage 4, nonetheless) even though my hair’s falling out so (obvi) I’m dying. You’re laughing at a terminally ill person but I’M the one who has problems? Get on my level.

8. “Horses are pretty”

Who do you think you’re fooling here? They’re the ugly cousin of the animal family but the one who’s got such a sweet spirit you keep rooting for them anyway. Unicorns are like the ugly cousin’s older sibling who simultaneously looks nothing alike and exactly the same in a way that makes everyone feel confused and sad for the horse.  

9. Noises

Tapping your fingers. Clicking your pen. Eating a banana. Breathing loudly in a quiet room. Whispering when someone else is talking. Singing in public when you’re not in a play. Anyone under the age of 10 crying. Loud movies when you’re trying to sleep. Any sports ball being bounced inside. Chomping your gum. Swallowing saliva. I could go on for days...

Misophonia. It’s real, kids.

10. Ridiculously spelled names

If you have decided it’s ‘adorable’ that you took your child’s (possibly normal) name and replaced it with ludicrous vowel/consonant combos, I want to punch you in the throat. The way some parents have allowed their children’s names to be spelled is borderline child abuse. Honestly, I think that somehow an entire generation decided that letters have feelings and should never go anywhere without a little moral support from their friends. “Well, we love the name ‘Zac’, but I’d hate for those three little letters to feel lonely, so we best throw a few more on there. Probably an h, another c for good measure, and an e at the end. Just for aesthetics, really.” Like if they name their kid Zacche, someone’s going to show up at their house with an award for “CuTeSt NaMe” and win Pinterest.

P.S. If you’ve put a symbol or an apostrophe in your child’s name, pour yourself a tall glass of cyanide. Bottoms up.

The Art of a One-Sided Conversation...

I’ve been thinking about how to write this post for a while now, wanting to have this conversation without knowing how to start it. Then I realized that even if no conversation is started or had today, but the seed is planted and courage for a future day and conversation takes shape (hopefully with those not able to read this post), then my goal will have been accomplished.

I have been very blessed in my life, with many wonderful family members, each of whom I could go on about in a post dedicated solely to them and the gratitude I have that they are in my life. However, this one is about my youngest sister Olivia.

As many of you may know, Olivia has multiple disabilities; she has cerebral palsy, an intellectual disability, and is visually impaired. She is also non-verbal, meaning she cannot communicate verbally, though she does make sounds. Taking my sister places can be challenging because of the physical dependency she has for getting in and out of the car, or into her stroller. However, the most challenging part for me is emotional.

Regardless of the activity or chosen location, my sister ALWAYS gets stares. Always. I want to make it perfectly clear here: I UNDERSTAND. I am not mad or confused about why people look around to find the source of the loud vocal noise being made in the store. I don’t get the least bit offended when children or adults jump and then stare when my sister lets out a loud yell (usually just happy, but I understand that if you don’t know her, she sounds pissed). It’s what happens next that I would love to give people some insight into, to have the conversation about.

It seems to me like there are a million different articles about what NOT to do. “Phrases Parents of Autistic Children Wish You Would Stop Saying…” or “5 Things That Are Unhelpful and Why…” First of all, since when does telling anyone what NOT to do help them understand what TO do? Second of all, everyone is different. I could give you a list of things I wish people would say and do around my sister but there will always be someone who disagrees or wishes the opposite would happen. That’s because *SPOILER ALERT* everyone’s different. This includes people with disabilities and their families. I, personally, couldn’t care less if someone uses the word ‘retarded’ or ‘handicapped’ if their intent was kind and genuine when speaking about someone with disabilities. I know a lot of people who would passionately disagree with me on that. And that’s OK. I would just like to offer ONE perspective of someone with a family member who has both physical and intellectual disabilities, so that you at least have a starting point.

I have worked with adults, adolescents, and children with a wide range of disabilities, but one thing seems to remain the same: non-disabled individuals have a harder time interacting with disabled individuals the more they lack 3 things: eye contact, appropriate affect, verbal communication. If you have 2-3 of those, usually people don’t mind trying to interact with you. It’s ok that you can’t talk back if you can look at the person and smile while they chat with you. If your affect doesn’t match the situation, but you can make eye contact and speak, people might feel a little more uncomfortable yet they will still talk to you.

My sister can do none of those things. Therefore, to some people, it’s like she’s not a person.

Because she will continue rocking and shaking her toy when you talk to her, people act as if she cannot hear or does not understand they’re talking to her. Will it help if you say her name first so she knows you’re talking to her? Yes. After all, she is basically blind and not going to catch those eye contact cues. Is she going to know who someone is after one or two visits? Probably not. My sister takes a while to feel comfortable with new people/places so she might not smile or rock faster when you begin talking to her. Does this mean that she doesn’t enjoy your conversation or the attention? Absolutely not.  

I recently took my sister to get a haircut from the same lady who has been cutting her hair for years now. I only take her about once a year, my stepmom takes her the rest of the time, so I get to see the difference in their relationship more pronounced. The first time I took Olivia to Sherrie, she did not smile, she rocked a lot (which makes the haircut extra fun, I assure you), and made anxious noises. All the while, Sherrie talked to her in a nice, sweet voice, using Olivia’s name frequently, and speaking directly to her. When I took Olivia last month to Sherrie, she was so happy to see Sherrie (so to speak). Liv still rocked a little bit, but it was much less and she had a huge smile on her face the whole time. She was not very loud and any noises she made were happy squeals.

I was completely blown away by how much my sister liked and seemed to genuinely know her hairdresser (which really goes to show, the salon is really the place for ANY girl). Let’s say my sister gets 4-5 haircuts a year, and has gone to Sherrie for 3 years (ballpark figure, I can’t recall how long), that’s still a total of about 300 minutes that Olivia has known her. Less than a school day, for crying out loud. Yet, my sister enjoys her presence and responds to her in a way I’ve only seen her do with immediate family.

What makes Sherrie different from others is that she has mastered what our immediate family has: the art of a one-sided conversation. Yes, it is an art, and no, I don’t expect people to magically have it. It is definitely a learned skill and very uncomfortable if you’re not used to it. Let’s go back to the people in public who look at my sister when she makes noises or see their children looking at her when she’s being loud. Instead of continued staring or worrying their children are being offensive and telling them not to look, here are some things that I LOVE to happen:

• ·         Say Hello! Even if it’s just to the person’s caregiver or you’re not sure if the person can hear you, say hello. It makes people feel acknowledged in a good way and you have no idea how wonderful a quick smile and ‘Hi!’ can make someone feel after they’ve been stared at for the last 15 minutes like the social pariah.
• ·         Ask Questions! I LOVE when people ask questions about my sister because 1) that means they’ve approached us and are not just staring awkwardly, and 2) knowledge is power. If asking questions about my sister helps you and/or your child understand a little better so that the next time you see someone in wheelchair who’s rocking, my day has been made. Also, it gives me a chance to normalize her behavior and relate it to you. When kids ask why my sister’s rocking and I tell them, “That’s how she shows she’s happy”, they usually smile and look a little less scared of her.
• ·         If saying something to someone when you know you won’t get a response is out of your comfort zone, pay a compliment. It requires no response, is friendly, and interactive. Yes, even if you’re not sure they’ll understand. Their caregiver will, and they will still understand your nice tone if nothing else.
• ·         Instead of insisting your child stop pointing and turn around, which feels like you’re saying “Pretend they aren’t there”, explain in a matter of fact way that she is disabled. “Some people’s brains work differently.” “Some people can’t walk, so they need a wheelchair.” None of these are offensive to me and the fact that you’re normalizing ‘the other’ by explaining about people, which includes my sister, makes me very grateful.

So the next time you see someone who appears to be physically and intellectually disabled, I encourage you to start working on your one-sided conversation skills. The tiny part of your day that may be uncomfortable can literally make someone else’s day and help them and their family feel included in the community. 

Things I Wish I Could Tell My Teenage Self

Things I wish I could tell my teenage self:

1    1.      Tweezers and math are your best friends. For instance, let’s look at the following mathematical equations:

1 unibrow + 1 mustache < 1 friend      BUT

2 eyebrows + 0 mustaches(deodorant) > 1 friend

2    2.      There are days where you’ll look in the mirror, appraise your reflection, and KNOW deep down in your soul that you were most likely born a hermaphrodite and have secret testicles inside your body. It’s ok, champ. Because tomorrow is a new day and you might look like a lady again. Hang in there.

3    3.      No one will ever find you as funny as you find yourself. While this makes you moderately/severely awkward during adolescence, you manage to use this to your advantage during your twenties and bring the discomfort of others down to a mild level.

4    4.      Enjoy those desserts with no shame, because that idea you have of ‘I’ll be getting in shape soon’ is a pipe dream. Luckily, by the time you’re almost 30, you’ll stop caring that you don’t look like a model and start congratulating yourself on NOT looking like Jabba the Hut. Life becomes much less stressful when you embrace the Avoidant approach.

5    5.      Similar to #4, don’t miss out on social events because you’re ‘too fat’ to be seen in public. You see fat people all the time and it never ruins YOUR day. Also, if seeing an overweight girl is the worst thing that happens to someone that day, they can go ahead and hashtag their life ‘privileged’, then gtfo.

      6.      Hypochondriasis is real and the Symptom Checker on WebMD is your nemesis that must be avoided at all costs, unless you’re looking to have a full-blown panic attack about the cancer/tumor/rare disease you didn’t realize you had. Which you (probably) don’t. So seriously, stop praying to God every night that they’ll ‘find the cancer in time to do something about it’. Thanks.

8    7.      The phrase ‘there are plenty of fish in the sea’ does not actually apply to you. For most people, there is apparently a metaphorical ocean full of choices for them to choose from when finding The One and Only. For you, it would appear that instead of an ocean, you have a wading pool. That has 10 fish in it. And of the 10, only 2 live in America. Nowhere near Utah.

9

It's All About the Dress...

Over the past 5 or so years, I've realized that I don't so much want to actually be married as I really just like the idea of being married. In theory, having someone around to do stuff with sounds great; in reality, I like not shaving my legs and binge watching Netflix having freedom to do whatever my little heart pleases. This is fine. I've made peace with the fact that I may not be destined to find my lobster ("lots of fish in the sea" and all that jazz is a completely different blog). And while I'm perfectly content at this wise, nearly-dead, almost-thirty stage of my life with my decision, the only thing that I truly regret is not so much the lack of husband, but the lack of wedding day.

Maybe I've been misunderstanding other brides' feelings about their wedding day up until now, but it seems like it's a lot more about them and how beautiful everything is than it is about what's-his-bucket being The One. The marriage? Yeah, that's about what's-his-bucket. The wedding day? Not so much. After all, why do shows like 'Say Yes to the Dress' exist if it's not about the gown?

At any rate, I feel like I am still deserving of a day where I invite everyone I know to a fancy location to watch me parade around in the most beautiful dress they've ever laid eyes on. I want to walk slowly past family and friends, who are *literally* sobbing into their handkerchiefs over the level of preciousness my dress and I are attaining, and stand in front of them on a rotating stage while someone takes photos/videotapes. While eating some catered food, I want family and friends to give toasts to me that contain a healthy balance of wishes of well-being for my future and humorous anecdotes about their memories of me. Is this too much to ask? Probably I don't think so. 

I think this idea really begins to take shape if the name of the event is changed from 'My Non-Wedding Wedding Day' to 'Jill's 30th Birthday Party'. This gives everyone plenty of prep time for their toasts and allows me a year and three months to prepare for my death 30th birthday. 

Additionally, I feel like this party/event/tasteful circus will hit two birds with one stone. Not only will I hit the 'Wedding Day' bird square in the kisser, but that sneaky '30th Birthday, congratulations you're practically dead, here's a cane and an AARP brochure' bastard of a bird will never see it coming. To ease me into my fourth decade here on Earth (Jesus, fourth decade...I just threw up in my mouth a little), I really feel like family, close friends, and a couple hundred acquaintances that are just there for the eclairs and atmosphere could bring this dream to fruition. Plus, it will be less weird when I hang an 11"x 14" classy portrait of myself in my home if it was from a Tribute/Living Funeral birthday party.

You have 15 months to prepare. I expect gifts and a toast from every individual nothing but your warm smiles on that day.

Editor's Note: I realize the amount of self-absorption in my life this article is unsettling a trifle much, however, I took a personality test years ago, and my psychologist said he was honestly surprised the Narcissism measure didn't score higher with me and I'm actually no more self-involved than the next girl. Rest easy.

You did NOT wake up like that...

I hate liars. I can't help it, I'm a truth-teller. Even when it's awkward and it might get me in trouble, or the people around me are clearly thinking, "Seriously...just fib a little...shit's getting a lil too real." Apparently being a little liar-face when I was 7 and getting grounded every other week for dishonesty took its toll (pointless lies too...sorry 3rd grade class, I was NOT born in Germany). Perhaps this is why I hate the hashtag 'I woke up like this'...but most likely it's just irritating.

First of all, no. No, you didn't just 'wake up like this'. You know how I know this? Because NO ONE looks good when they just woke up unless they're a baby or Charlie Hunnam (I can't imagine that he ever looks anything besides scrumptious, regardless of time of day). A photo taken immediately upon waking is not for the faint of heart. Pure, unadulterated bedhead and sleepy eyes can make a grown man cry. This. This is what it looks like when you 'woke up like this':

There are two groups of people who use this hashtag. The first group consists of girls who are *apparently* about to walk the red carpet. I get it. It's supposed to be ironic. I can't put my finger on why it drives me insane to see their bejeweled faces next to #iwokeuplikethis. Because OBVIOUSLY they didn't. But seeing ruby red lips, smokey eyelids, and lush curls falling in perfect spirals is only natural if you're routinely assaulted by Maybelline in your sleep.

The second group of girls who use this hashtag are the ones that really get my goat. They don't put on an obscene amount of makeup or have their hair super fancy, their appearance is just subtle enough to make you feel like the ugliest clownfish in the natural sea- 'Do other people really wake up like that?!' Up until this new trend I'd assumed.most people look like they've just survived a hostage situation in the morning.

So seriously. Stop with the lies. Kthnx.