Things I Wish I Could Tell My Teenage Self

Things I wish I could tell my teenage self:

1    1.      Tweezers and math are your best friends. For instance, let’s look at the following mathematical equations:

1 unibrow + 1 mustache < 1 friend      BUT

2 eyebrows + 0 mustaches(deodorant) > 1 friend

2    2.      There are days where you’ll look in the mirror, appraise your reflection, and KNOW deep down in your soul that you were most likely born a hermaphrodite and have secret testicles inside your body. It’s ok, champ. Because tomorrow is a new day and you might look like a lady again. Hang in there.

3    3.      No one will ever find you as funny as you find yourself. While this makes you moderately/severely awkward during adolescence, you manage to use this to your advantage during your twenties and bring the discomfort of others down to a mild level.

4    4.      Enjoy those desserts with no shame, because that idea you have of ‘I’ll be getting in shape soon’ is a pipe dream. Luckily, by the time you’re almost 30, you’ll stop caring that you don’t look like a model and start congratulating yourself on NOT looking like Jabba the Hut. Life becomes much less stressful when you embrace the Avoidant approach.

5    5.      Similar to #4, don’t miss out on social events because you’re ‘too fat’ to be seen in public. You see fat people all the time and it never ruins YOUR day. Also, if seeing an overweight girl is the worst thing that happens to someone that day, they can go ahead and hashtag their life ‘privileged’, then gtfo.

      6.      Hypochondriasis is real and the Symptom Checker on WebMD is your nemesis that must be avoided at all costs, unless you’re looking to have a full-blown panic attack about the cancer/tumor/rare disease you didn’t realize you had. Which you (probably) don’t. So seriously, stop praying to God every night that they’ll ‘find the cancer in time to do something about it’. Thanks.

8    7.      The phrase ‘there are plenty of fish in the sea’ does not actually apply to you. For most people, there is apparently a metaphorical ocean full of choices for them to choose from when finding The One and Only. For you, it would appear that instead of an ocean, you have a wading pool. That has 10 fish in it. And of the 10, only 2 live in America. Nowhere near Utah.

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