Things I Wish I Could Tell My Teenage Self

Things I wish I could tell my teenage self:

1    1.      Tweezers and math are your best friends. For instance, let’s look at the following mathematical equations:

1 unibrow + 1 mustache < 1 friend      BUT

2 eyebrows + 0 mustaches(deodorant) > 1 friend

2    2.      There are days where you’ll look in the mirror, appraise your reflection, and KNOW deep down in your soul that you were most likely born a hermaphrodite and have secret testicles inside your body. It’s ok, champ. Because tomorrow is a new day and you might look like a lady again. Hang in there.

3    3.      No one will ever find you as funny as you find yourself. While this makes you moderately/severely awkward during adolescence, you manage to use this to your advantage during your twenties and bring the discomfort of others down to a mild level.

4    4.      Enjoy those desserts with no shame, because that idea you have of ‘I’ll be getting in shape soon’ is a pipe dream. Luckily, by the time you’re almost 30, you’ll stop caring that you don’t look like a model and start congratulating yourself on NOT looking like Jabba the Hut. Life becomes much less stressful when you embrace the Avoidant approach.

5    5.      Similar to #4, don’t miss out on social events because you’re ‘too fat’ to be seen in public. You see fat people all the time and it never ruins YOUR day. Also, if seeing an overweight girl is the worst thing that happens to someone that day, they can go ahead and hashtag their life ‘privileged’, then gtfo.

      6.      Hypochondriasis is real and the Symptom Checker on WebMD is your nemesis that must be avoided at all costs, unless you’re looking to have a full-blown panic attack about the cancer/tumor/rare disease you didn’t realize you had. Which you (probably) don’t. So seriously, stop praying to God every night that they’ll ‘find the cancer in time to do something about it’. Thanks.

8    7.      The phrase ‘there are plenty of fish in the sea’ does not actually apply to you. For most people, there is apparently a metaphorical ocean full of choices for them to choose from when finding The One and Only. For you, it would appear that instead of an ocean, you have a wading pool. That has 10 fish in it. And of the 10, only 2 live in America. Nowhere near Utah.

9

It's All About the Dress...

Over the past 5 or so years, I've realized that I don't so much want to actually be married as I really just like the idea of being married. In theory, having someone around to do stuff with sounds great; in reality, I like not shaving my legs and binge watching Netflix having freedom to do whatever my little heart pleases. This is fine. I've made peace with the fact that I may not be destined to find my lobster ("lots of fish in the sea" and all that jazz is a completely different blog). And while I'm perfectly content at this wise, nearly-dead, almost-thirty stage of my life with my decision, the only thing that I truly regret is not so much the lack of husband, but the lack of wedding day.

Maybe I've been misunderstanding other brides' feelings about their wedding day up until now, but it seems like it's a lot more about them and how beautiful everything is than it is about what's-his-bucket being The One. The marriage? Yeah, that's about what's-his-bucket. The wedding day? Not so much. After all, why do shows like 'Say Yes to the Dress' exist if it's not about the gown?

At any rate, I feel like I am still deserving of a day where I invite everyone I know to a fancy location to watch me parade around in the most beautiful dress they've ever laid eyes on. I want to walk slowly past family and friends, who are *literally* sobbing into their handkerchiefs over the level of preciousness my dress and I are attaining, and stand in front of them on a rotating stage while someone takes photos/videotapes. While eating some catered food, I want family and friends to give toasts to me that contain a healthy balance of wishes of well-being for my future and humorous anecdotes about their memories of me. Is this too much to ask? Probably I don't think so. 

I think this idea really begins to take shape if the name of the event is changed from 'My Non-Wedding Wedding Day' to 'Jill's 30th Birthday Party'. This gives everyone plenty of prep time for their toasts and allows me a year and three months to prepare for my death 30th birthday. 

Additionally, I feel like this party/event/tasteful circus will hit two birds with one stone. Not only will I hit the 'Wedding Day' bird square in the kisser, but that sneaky '30th Birthday, congratulations you're practically dead, here's a cane and an AARP brochure' bastard of a bird will never see it coming. To ease me into my fourth decade here on Earth (Jesus, fourth decade...I just threw up in my mouth a little), I really feel like family, close friends, and a couple hundred acquaintances that are just there for the eclairs and atmosphere could bring this dream to fruition. Plus, it will be less weird when I hang an 11"x 14" classy portrait of myself in my home if it was from a Tribute/Living Funeral birthday party.

You have 15 months to prepare. I expect gifts and a toast from every individual nothing but your warm smiles on that day.

Editor's Note: I realize the amount of self-absorption in my life this article is unsettling a trifle much, however, I took a personality test years ago, and my psychologist said he was honestly surprised the Narcissism measure didn't score higher with me and I'm actually no more self-involved than the next girl. Rest easy.

You did NOT wake up like that...

I hate liars. I can't help it, I'm a truth-teller. Even when it's awkward and it might get me in trouble, or the people around me are clearly thinking, "Seriously...just fib a little...shit's getting a lil too real." Apparently being a little liar-face when I was 7 and getting grounded every other week for dishonesty took its toll (pointless lies too...sorry 3rd grade class, I was NOT born in Germany). Perhaps this is why I hate the hashtag 'I woke up like this'...but most likely it's just irritating.

First of all, no. No, you didn't just 'wake up like this'. You know how I know this? Because NO ONE looks good when they just woke up unless they're a baby or Charlie Hunnam (I can't imagine that he ever looks anything besides scrumptious, regardless of time of day). A photo taken immediately upon waking is not for the faint of heart. Pure, unadulterated bedhead and sleepy eyes can make a grown man cry. This. This is what it looks like when you 'woke up like this':

There are two groups of people who use this hashtag. The first group consists of girls who are *apparently* about to walk the red carpet. I get it. It's supposed to be ironic. I can't put my finger on why it drives me insane to see their bejeweled faces next to #iwokeuplikethis. Because OBVIOUSLY they didn't. But seeing ruby red lips, smokey eyelids, and lush curls falling in perfect spirals is only natural if you're routinely assaulted by Maybelline in your sleep.

The second group of girls who use this hashtag are the ones that really get my goat. They don't put on an obscene amount of makeup or have their hair super fancy, their appearance is just subtle enough to make you feel like the ugliest clownfish in the natural sea- 'Do other people really wake up like that?!' Up until this new trend I'd assumed.most people look like they've just survived a hostage situation in the morning.

So seriously. Stop with the lies. Kthnx.